Stalked by the Eight of Cups

For the past few months I've been stalked in my personal readings by the Eight of Cups.  It's been showing up since summer.  And while I've known exactly what it was referring to, and acknowledged the situation, I wasn't ready to do anything about it.  I wanted the 8 of Cups to go away, to leave me alone, to let me pretend that everything was ok.  I could fix it if I tried, right?  It was all denial.  Because accepting the 8 of Cups means accepting that what I've thrown myself into, what I've built, the comfort, the .. dependability and routine, the predictability of what I have, I need to leave it all behind.  And to me, that feels like admitting failure.  As this card shows, from the Enchanted Tarot (border trimmed), there's heartbreak involved.  There's grief.  I didn't want to face that.

But it would not be ignored!  It showed up in my readings and it showed up in other's readings for me, and it showed up on the damn ground in front of my apartment.  When you are truly being stalked by a card, that card is going to be persistent af!  I really wish I would have picked this card up from the ground when I saw it and kept it.  It sat there for a few days.

As I continued to ignore what the Universe was so tirelessly trying to tell me, I started to feel less and less myself.  I was there, but not really present.  A half version, nearly transparent, like this woman from the Ghost Tarot.  

A change of scenery, a fresh start, that all started sounding like exactly what I needed.  But I still felt tied to where I was.  Where I am.  I thought up a million reasons and excuses to stay.  Some of them valid, some of them products of fear and uncertainty.  But I couldn't look away from the possibility of something different.  I couldn't look away, but I couldn't make the decision.  And, just to be sassy, my decks often threw me the 2 of Swords, either with or instead of the 8 of Cups.  There's something so misleading about the 2 of Swords.  There are actually three choices.  There are the two choices you are debating, with all of their risks and consequences, and there is the choice to do nothing.  To remain paralyzed and make no changes, to stay in stasis wanting something and to afraid to do anything about it.  That *is* a choice.  Don't fool yourself into thinking it's not.

Now, while I am still where I am, while I haven't physically made any changes just yet, I have made a choice.  I am finally ready to fully acknowledge and answer this call from the Universe.  Lots of sleepless nights and tears have gotten me to this point.  More heartbreak than I could have imagined visits me pretty much daily.  But I am strong enough to handle it.  I am resolved, finally, to leave behind what needs to be left behind.  To find out what I can make for myself.  I know it's going to be difficult.  I know my hazy fantasies won't live up to expectation.  There are many more sleepless nights and tears ahead of me, for sure.  But I have a pretty good idea that I'll make it.  I know I'm more adaptable than I give myself credit for, and I have more support than I want (bc I'm super stubborn about it) but need.  In the Secret Tarot, the man is packed and ready to go.  He's got his supplies and he's just starting out on his new journey.  He may not know exactly what is waiting for him, but he's ready to find out, and unlike the Ghost Tarot, he is not just looking wistfully at what might be ahead, he is walking towards it, taking action.

That's where I am right now.